So my friend “Alex” called me out of the blue yesterday, needing advice. He’s been happily married for a couple of years, but recently things got rocky. He told me his wife, let’s call her “Maria,” had become demanding, always picking fights, and he felt like he couldn’t take it anymore. Listening to him, I sensed something deeper was going on – maybe less about Maria herself, and more about how Alex was perceiving the situation, especially since I knew Maria’s dad had just passed away, and she was working alone in a new city while Alex was based elsewhere for work.
Being raised in a Christian family, I have this foundational belief that marriage is a lifelong commitment – you don’t just bail when things get tough; you do whatever it takes to make it work. And having been a dating coach back in the day (just for fun!), while I might not have tons of long-term relationships myself, I’ve spent a lot of time understanding relationship dynamics, especially how women think and communicate differently sometimes.
It got me thinking about relationships, commitment, and how we handle life when it inevitably throws curveballs.
Look Deeper: What’s Really Being Said?
I suggested to Alex that often, when someone close to us is complaining or seems to be “picking fights” – especially when they’re going through something huge like grieving a parent while living alone – it’s not really about the dishes left in the sink or being five minutes late. These complaints can be cries for attention, support, or reassurance. Maria probably needed to feel seen, heard, and cared for by him, even across the distance. If you only address the surface issue, another one will just pop up. Solve the root need – usually for connection and support – and the surface static often fades.
Remember, everyone has ups and downs. We wouldn’t judge ourselves harshly on our worst days (though we often do!), so why judge our partners? Those down phases are precisely when they need support the most. They might not be at their best, they might be emotional or difficult – heck, we probably would be too in their shoes! Supporting them through the storm is how you get to see the sunshine together later. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
The Power of “No Exit”: Why Commitment Creates Resourcefulness
This situation also highlights the power of commitment mindset. My faith background really helps me here. When you genuinely believe that leaving or divorcing isn’t an option, your brain stops looking for the escape hatch and starts getting incredibly creative about finding solutions. You have to make it work, so you dig deeper, seek to understand, offer support, and find ways through.
Contrast that with knowing quitting is always an option. It’s tempting to give up when things get tough because the door is right there. Removing the “Plan B” mentally forces you to fully engage with Plan A, unlocking resourcefulness you didn’t know you had.
Shitty Situations: Your Greatest Training Ground
This mindset extends beyond relationships. Life will hand you difficult situations. It’s easy to feel like a victim, to give in to default modes of laziness or despair. But these moments are incredibly rare and valuable opportunities. It’s only when we’re tested, when things are truly awful, that we discover our real character, our core strength, our resilience. If Alex can navigate this challenging period with Maria, think how much stronger both of them could become, individually and together.
Think about your own past. Wasn’t it the toughest experiences that forged who you are today? These moments present a stark choice: crumble, or use every ounce of creativity, conviction, persistence, and resilience you have to turn the situation around. Can you leverage the hardship? Can you make it into something that serves you? The worse the situation, the more potent the opportunity to train yourself, learn, and grow. You know the saying: “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” This is where phoenixes are made.
Choose the Hard Right Path (Like Al Pacino Said)
If you keep making that choice – the choice to face adversity head-on and transform it – you’ll reinvent yourself rapidly. Remember that powerful scene in “Scent of a Woman”? Al Pacino’s character talks about always knowing the right path but never taking it “because it’s too damn hard.” He praises the young man, Charlie, for being willing to do the hard, right thing, calling it rare. Be that rare person. Choose the hard path when it’s the right one.
Because ultimately, we arrive with nothing and leave with nothing. All we truly forge in between is our character.
Handle the Downs, Deserve the Ups
So, accept the ups and downs in life and in people. Learn to handle the downs – your own and others’ – with grace, support, and unwavering commitment. See bad situations not as roadblocks, but as launchpads for transformation. The worse it seems, potentially the greater the upgrade available. Treat your commitments – to people, to goals – as having no retreat. Trust that when you fully commit, your conscious and subconscious mind will conspire to help you figure it out. I promise you that.
Don’t ever give up.